I remember when it was a day of mourning, When you cried the tears of Hanna. I remember the pain in my heart, When you tried to spare my feelings. I remember the shame that plagued you, When you remembered a youthful regret. I remember turning to doctors for an answer, When, "I'm sorry..." was all they could say. I remember giving up, When we could not find nor afford another way.
I remember a prophets question, When a prayer and a prediction birthed hope. I remember it was a daughter he foresaw, When in my heart I confess, little faith was found. I remember such wasn't the case with you, When a well of hope in your heart began to rise.
I remember a late night of work and a long drive home, When I was met at the door by a woman full of excited trepidation. I remember a bag in in her hand, full of sticks that were positive, When you were too afraid to trust your own eyes, you looked to mine. I remember the rush, I couldn't believe what I was seeing, When I saw your face, I couldn't believe what I was feeling. It was a year to the day of that man's prayer, When God saw another Hanna and in love a prayer was answered.
I remember that day in March, I was so excited, so nervous, When you cried, "I can't do this..." I held your hand and said, "Push" I remember when she shot out like a bullet, maybe too much push! When it was over, I looked to make sure my girls were both good.
I remember that feeling... When I first looked at her face.
I remember the nurse putting her in your arms, When all hope had almost been lost, the miracle asleep on your chest.
I remember when the day became a day of rejoicing, When I bought my very first card for you. I remember when there were still tears, When you thought of the blessing and the dream God had given. I remember year after year thanking God for a miracle named Analise, When a man had given up, and a woman did not.
I remember Mother's day when it was a day of mourning, I remember Mother's day it's forever a day of rejoicing.
Alot has happened since my wonderful anniversary weekend in January. Looking back now.. I am so thankful that Jason and I had that time and we actually TOOK that time.
I have been diving so much deeper into my Father God. It has just taken on a whole new level for me. I want to know more.. I want to see more.... I want to feel more.. I want to give more.. I want my heart to be used....I just want more!
This song has been burning in me:
I see the king of glory Coming on the clouds with fire The whole earth shakes The whole earth shakes Yeeeah I see his love and mercy Washing over all our sin The people sing The people sing Hosanna Hosanna Hosanna in the highest
I see a generation Rising up to take their place
With selfless faithWith selfless faith I see a near revival Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our kneesWe're on our knees
Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me Break my heart from what breaks yours Everything I am for your kingdoms cause As I go from nothing to Eternity
It is a song that I have sung many times... but one day as I was driving... Tears just starting rolling down my face and my soul was crying the words out to him in a pray. Especially the part about Selfless faith.... and to heal my heart and make it clean .. Open up my eyes to the things unseen.. Show me how to love like you have loved me.... Break my heart from what breaks yours....
I can't shake it..... that song still stirs me....
With all that being said.... My world has been rocked.... I would like to say that it came as a shock, but it has not.. I have known that something was going to change or break.
I have lost my job. I worked for 5 years for an extremely difficult boss.. I am usually able to get along with, work for, just about anyone.. but I was left with so much confusion and frustration from this man.. I was left empty inside. I stayed because the money was good. But there came a point that I had to stand up for me and with alot of prayer.. I mean alot of prayer and counsel... I am no longer there. I am now among the million other people that are unemployed. I just new that if I stayed, it was robbing me of ME and what God wanted to show or do through me.
I am a people pleaser... (wow... I actually just admitted that)... and it hurts inside to know that there is someone (my boss) out there, that thinks less of me. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. I gave so much to that place and it never was enough. But... I think that is what God is trying to break in me.. The man pleasing. He wants all of me.. even that part.
I am surrounded by people that love and support every decision I am making. My Father and Mother, My mother and father n law, my brother and sister n law, my staff at the business I left, and most importantly My husband! I am in awe at what God is doing through him.... He has been my rock through all this and he is also willing to sacrifice it all (if need be) for us to follow God's heart. I have never felt so connected to another human being before. I have been married to him for 12 years and since September of last year, I can honestly say that it has never been like this.
I am trusting God and learning about Selfless Faith...
*selfless faith comes from the Bible and is a faith that goes beyond your own needs and desires, total commitment. Wow..... Can I acheive that....??? I know I cannot on my own. I need you Father God!
I am soooo excited... I have to write a blog quickly... SO it was payday today and I open my check and there is a very unexpected bonus in there. PRAISE the LORD!! My mind immediately goes to my 12th Anniversary this weekend... I have a talk with my self for a sec and wonder.. "could it possibly work out"? My self tells me "Why don't you call and find out" Ok, so here it is..
We have had no special plans for our Anniversary. Every year we talk about staying at the place we spent our honeymoon at. Then of course for one reason or another we don't do it. Usually because of money (lack of).
Nervously, I dialed the Number and said "I know this is late notice, but is the Tower Suite available for tomorrow night" (and I tell her about it being our anniversary and that is where we stayed on our wedding night). She puts me on hold and quickly comes back and says "Yes it is available and I can even discount it for you".... I was blown away and giddy and tell her give me 5 minutes to call my husband. I call Jason and we talk it over and it just all seems to so surreal. Jason says "Let's do it"! I call her back all excited and confirm for tomorrow night.
Here are some pics of where we are staying again 12 years later! It is call the Elfindale Mansion! We are staying the Tower Suite!
You can actually go up in the tower and look out. It is so pretty!
I remember that naive young woman 12 years ago. She thought she knew what she was getting into and that she loved this man with all her heart! Come to find... she had NO clue what she was getting into AND the love she felt for him, was just a DROP of what she feels for him 12 years later!
I know, I know... I haven't blogged in over a month.. I skipped right through Christmas and New Years without a peep from me... Plenty has happend that is blog worthy. In fact you don't know how many times.... Analise would say something witty or do something funny and I would say to myself.. oooo you so need to blog about that.. but still, nothing...
Well, here is the reason why...... (drum roll please) I have been reading other people's blogs and I have to admit.... I got Blogger Envy! Does anyone know what I am talking about? From something as simple as the way someone may have there blog set up, or wow... there life seems so exciting.. who would want to hear about mine.. Kudos to all you bloggers out there..... Your blogs are awesome!.. Hopefully one day my blog can remotely come close to the professionals.... :-) I am chuckling to myself as I type this.. but come on, I know someone out there has to know what I am talking about!
So a quick catch up: Christmas was incredible this year and New Years was awesome. We spent it in church taking Communion as a family. It will be a memory I will hold dear! (maybe in a later blog tell you why that was so special to me)
My 12th Anniversary is Sunday. I so do not feel old enough to be married for 12 years! But this one is going to be special no matter what we do. As of today, we have no plans. My Hubby is sick with a bad cold.. and you know he had to share with me. (thanks Jason) Hopefully we will be feeling better before Sunday.. Or we might be celebrating our anniversary in our PJ's on the couch wiping our noses.. (How romantic) This picture is us 12 years ago........
Her 2 front teeth are about to both fall out! Her pour gums are so red and swollen. I try to get her to wiggle them everyday but I think she is nervous about losing both of them! I wonder how much the tooth fairy will bring for both of her front teeth? Hopefully the Tooth Fairy has some mula in her bank.. :-)
I am proud to say that Analise got all straight A's again this quarter! That is my girl! She is so smart and loves to read and do her homework. Thankfully she takes after her daddy in this area.. :-)
Analise had her 1st non-family member's house sleep over. Adrian and Analise have been friends since they were 3 years old. Adrian's mom Nikki decided that she would venture out and let Adrian have a sleep over with Analise. I thought she was nutz, she just gave birth to her 2nd baby a month ago! Anywhoo.. I went along with it. I dropped her off, forced my kisses on her and told her to be good....... Then Jason and I went on a date.. We had a great time. I thought about calling Nikki about 10 times that night, but I had self control. Nikki called me in the morning and she sounded awful. I guess the girls stayed up to 1:30 and then woke up at 6:00!!!! I said.. why didn't you separate them? Nikki said she didn't have the heart too, but she did yell at them. As you can imagine, this will not be happening again anytime soon. Mainly because it is my turn next. I know I will not be as tolerant! I am BIG on sleep!
Last but not least:
I have put on about 10 OK.. maybe 13 pounds over the past few months. I knew it was time to starting focusing on loosing those lbs again when................. Sunday morning.. I just finished leading Children's church worship and my daughter runs up to me and says "Mommy, is there a baby in there? Your stomach is all squishy!!!" Ummmm... I was like no there is not a baby.. Mommy has just gained a little weight and I immediately tell her to go sit down..... and vow that I will do sit ups that afternoon! OK.. if that wasn't bad enough, last night we are sitting on the couch watching Lost and Analise starts rubbing her finger under my chin and says in a very loud voice "Mommy you have 2 chins" Shoot Me Now!!! So I went to the track and ran/walked about 3 miles!! I feel a little better.. I wonder what else she will just happen to notice???
Sorry this has dragged on.. If you hung with me this far.. then you must be a family member.
I am 37 years young. I am very emotional, I have a bad memory (I guess that can be a good thing .. sometimes)I have an obsession with tickling my husbands feet. Mainly because he hates it so! I do not like to cook. I can have a hard time making my mind up. I am NOT a neat freak, but I do like clean carpets.
I love to spend time with my husband and daughter doing just about anything.
I am very thankful for my family. They know every part of me, good and bad and still love me!
I treasure my best friend Julie. We have been through so much together in the past 20 years, which will forever bind us together as sisters.
I am thankful that God gave me Analise when Doctors told us we couldn't have children.
I am amazed at the love my husband still has for me after 14 years and the many mountains we have climbed together.
But mostly my heart cannot contain the feeling of grace that God has shown me throughout my 37 years on this earth. I always want my heart to be a heart that God can use!